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How to Not be Needy

Many of us go through our daily lives being needy in a variety of ways.   We’re needy of attention, of response, and needy to give response.  Are there actually needs in these places, or have we created them unnecessarily?  And if we’ve unnecessarily created these needs, then how does our creation of unnecessary needs affect those around us?  What is the actual minimum amount of neediness possible?

If you’ve ever wondered what the path is to total non-neediness, i’m going to outline it right here.  First i’ll teach you how to be a total dickhead (you’ll think) and then i’ll explain an exact three step process to understanding when you’re needy so that you can stop yourself and practice not engaging in needy behavior.  I’ll even explain how you can use this new found skill to make women hit on you.  Are you ready?  Read on…

The reality is that the places where we see a need, there’s often not one there at all. 

The reality is that the places where we see a need, there’s often not one there at all. 

The reality is that the places where we see a need, there’s often not one there at all. 

Yes, I wrote that three times.  I’d write it a hundred times in hopes that you could program it into your brain on automatic repeat all the time, but I know for me this took a very very long time to sink in so i’m not expecting anything to happen quickly here with you either.  Today i’m simply hoping to get you thinking consciously about your actions so you can start to challenge whether or not they’re the most effective ones you could be taking.

So what do I mean?  

Well let’s start off with the most obvious need we all have that’s really not a need at all.  The need i’m talking about is the need to respond when people talk to you.  When people talk to us, we feel like we should talk back.  It’s the polite thing to do, right?  The only people we don’t respond to when they speak to us are usually very low value people, like homeless people for instance.  

So why don’t you respond to a homeless person?  

First of all, if you’re the type of person that does respond to anyone and everyone, it’s likely you don’t live in LA or NYC, because if you did then you’d quickly be socialized not to speak with everyone you see.  It’s simply too much effort.  It’s a hassle.

I believe that courteous or not, mean or not, whether or not you feel like you’re being a dickhead or not, the reality is that you should practice not responding more to people when they speak to you.   Lots more.

This blog is not a fucking politeness blog, it’s a blog about dating skills and maximizing your ability to attract a top quality woman into your life.  So it’s time to ditch your grandma’s idea about speaking to people when spoken to and replace it with “Selective Response.”  

All ultra high value people (celebrities, alpha males, attractive women, etc) selectively respond to those around them.  They don’t always speak or address people when they’re spoken to.  Simple.  

Through careful observation and practice, I have learned to do the same.  When someone is attempting to engage me in conversation, I hear their words without reacting physically to their presence, then I decide whether or not i’m going to engage with them in conversation.  And often I won’t.   In fact, that person won’t even know if I heard them at all, and they’ll be forced to repeat them self or simply wait until i’m done doing what i’m doing or talking to whom i’m currently talking to.  High value people do this to others all the time.  It’s okay, and it doesn’t mean they’re being assholes.  

When you do answer someone’s questions and engage them, the rule is this:  

Saying the least number of words possible to get your point across to someone is the best way to convey the most meaning.  

In other words, if you can say something by not addressing a person at all, then don’t.  If you can use just a facial expression, then don’t talk at all.  If you can say just one word, like “no,” then don’t say anymore.  This is the best way not to show neediness of others, by demonstrating a lack of need to over-respond to others. 

We all over-respond.   

Often we feel the need to explain ourselves to others when there’s really no need at all.   And if there is a need, won’t the other person ask for more explanation?   And when others ask us for more conversation or explanation, isn’t that a better result than explaining ourselves unnecessarily?  It certainly is, and people hold us in higher regard when we do.  


It’s simple.  Not showing a need to talk to someone when they have a need to talk to you means that they value you more than you value them.  You’re higher value.  

This goes further.  

It also holds true with eye contact.  

How many times do we address people with our eyes (giving them attention) when it’s simply not necessary?  Too many.  Again, we experience a need to look at people simply out of politeness.  We don’t want them to feel bad or not like us so we look at them, when the reality is that when we don’t look at them or respond to them, they feel an increased need to get our attention and compliance.  They want to be accepted and responded to because it makes them feel good.

This works wonderfully with women.  Abandon politeness in favor of not giving a woman attention via eye contact, and watch how quickly she tries to get your attention.  Do this a few times and she’ll be extremely and visibly attracted to you.  The technique is so simple that it’s amazing more men aren’t aware of it.  Say you’re talking with a group of men and women, and you know that one of the women in the group is slightly interested in you.  Maybe you caught her out of your periphery checking you out, or maybe you made a comment she laughed at as you passed by her while walking through the bar, and now you happen to be talking with a group of people who you’re now meeting.  

Ignore her.  

Simply meet each person and fully engage with them when you do, blocking out all other distractions and people around from gaining your attention, including the girl.  This will make her feel needy of your attention.  When she feels needy of your attention, she’ll get very attracted very quickly.  

But be careful!!!This technique is very very powerful.  So powerful in fact, that if you go even a touch too far with it, the girl will believe that you’re overqualified for her and that you’re not interested in her.  When she’s slightly interested, ignore her a few times, then when she’s trying to get your attention and engage you, allow her to.  And remember!!!  This should be treated as her approaching you, so that means hang back with a neutral reserved energy while you listen to her until an opportunity   to tease or challenge her comes along.  This is the exact behavior that true alpha males engage in.  

Are you getting this?  I’m teaching you how to get hit on by women!  I hope you’re listening…   

If you’ve read my post “She’s not even in the fucking room” then you hopefully recognize that this is also an example of how you can have the smallest perceived radius of awareness that’s possibly to have. 

Small perceived radius of awareness = High perceived value

I’ve seen this reign true over and over throughout the years, and it will never ever change because the reality is that people are needy of high value people.  They always will be.  

Though the information here seems very simple, I think it’s obvious that just mastering these concepts of withholding eye contact, attention, and speech can be a very complex art requiring precision, timing, and experience.  It requires not being needy of the attention, eye contact, and speech of others.  

This is how not to be needy:  

1.  Eliminate first your need to reach out to other people – This is the same as seeking approval from someone.  Start being aware of when you feel the need to gain someone’s attention.  When you feel the need to seek approval through starting a conversation with someone, choose not to.  Watch what happens and pay attention to your feelings.  Did it really matter?  

Understand that many times when you feel the need to speak, really you didn’t need to speak at all.   Try to understand what your original motivation was for speaking in the first place.  Was is valid?  Was it really necessary?  Many times it will be neither.  Remember also that this will be a growth process, and it won’t be easy.  You will feel weird.  

It will be okay.  

2.  Eliminate your need to gain attention from others – The behavior i’m talking about here is when you speak to a group of people because you’re seeking attention from many.  You should be okay with not talking when you’re in a group of people.   Quiet people know this already.  When they don’t speak, others start to ask them to, and when they do speak, people perceive what they’re saying to be more profound.  I’m not telling you to be perceived as a quiet person because you don’t speak all the time, i’m suggesting you try and be perceived as a talkative person who doesn’t feel the need to talk all the time.  Make sense?  Practice your ability to talk a lot sometimes, and other times be okay with not talking at all.  I like to use facial expressions when I can.  

3.  Develop the capability for internal validation – Once you’ve mastered the first two ways of not being needy, it’s time to start working on what your overall energy is going to be like.  I envision the best energy to have is one that is neutral and reserved.  Having this energy about me prepares me to move in any direction i’d like based on what I perceive the person in front of me is doing.  If someone is trying to convince me to do something, I become open, then quick to be a skeptic or agree.  If they’re trying to seek rapport with me, I recognize it and make a decision about if i’d like to break rapport or not, then I proceed with action.  

Are you getting this?  

When i’ve got a neutral reserved energy about me, i’m ready to field whatever might come my way.  I first listen and i’m open to whatever thought or idea might come my way, then I make my judgment and take polarized action accordingly.  I don’t seek, or seek to be sought.  I speak quite a bit sometimes and am eager to engage with others,  and other times I don’t speak at all and people find it hard to get my attention.  This could change from one moment to the next.  I’m completely variable because I don’t feel any need to gain attention from others or any need to give my attention unnecessarily.  I give my attention and gain attention from others when necessary, and i’m aware of what necessary is because i’ve explored when needs truly exist and when they don’t.  My exploration of my own neediness has taught me that I don’t need as much as I thought I did from others.  I have grown into an internally validated man.  


So that’s it.  We recognize when we’re being needy, stop, think about whether or not our needs are truly valid, then we practice not allowing ourselves to engage in needy behaviors and we watch what happens.  During the process we learn that many of the things we feel needs for really aren’t needs at all, and we learn that when we eliminate needy behaviors on purpose, that others are far more drawn to be around us.  

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