In my 6+ years of coaching men, I’ve witnessed hundreds of different philosophies and strategies for being happy in life when it comes to dating and relationships. At whatever stage of life they’re in, men have different versions of what they think is the next relationship that will make them happy in life. I’ve seen men who want to sleep with their first woman, men who want to sleep with their first woman without paying for it (no joke), men who want to sleep with their 300th woman, men who want to get married, men who want to get divorced, and men who have no clue what they want. I feel like i’ve seen it all at this point.
I’m here to report to you today that when all the noise clears, when all the high-fiving and “yeah I fucked her, woohoo!!!” talks fade, the reality is that what most mature men are left with (at whatever age they mature past wanting to fuck everyone and everything) is the need to connect in a deep and meaningful way with a woman. The happiest men i’ve met in my years coaching are the men who have found a way to make that deeper connection happen in their own lives using whatever belief system they might have.
“So wait Jake, are you saying I should get married?”
“So is it wrong to want to have sex with lots of women?”
Not if that’s where you’re at in your life, no.
“So what the fuck are you saying then?”
What i’m really trying to convey here is that the goal of learning self-help and more specifically learning about women is to make ourselves happy and gain fulfillment in life, whatever that might mean for each of us as individuals. The men who i’ve seen experiencing the most fulfillment in relationships are men who have been able to connect with their woman on a very deep level. So if your individual goal with women right now happens to not include working on your ability to connect on a deeper level with the women you meet, then i’m here to suggest you might want to take a second, more mature look at your long-term relationship goals. I like to ask myself sometimes what advice the 80 year old Jake would give to me about what i’m doing right now with my life.
What would the 80 year old version of you tell you about your current goals? About what you did last night? Last week? Did it fulfill you? Will it if you’re doing it 10 years from now? or 20?
I think it’s a common misconception in the dating community that us coaches are heartless scumbag bastards just out for any new vagina we can get. In fact, almost every student I coach really believes that i’m that type of guy until they see this other, deeper side of me. Did you know that i’ve successfully been a part of 9 marriages? Marriage was what these men wanted, and I helped them get there, and I happen to be pretty damn proud of that 🙂
The reality is that marketing is a big chunk of what drives the dating industry. The promise of sex is what sells trainings and e-books, and the guys who seek the dating industry are usually seeking sex, not fulfillment.
If I put one ad up online that says “Get laid now” and one that says “Work on learning about fulfillment of long-term relationship needs through deepening your ability to connect in your relationship,” I think we all would agree which one is gonna get more clicks. Funny though, in my observation once men have clicked the first ad enough, they always wanna click the second ad.
That second ad is tougher to find.
Whatever stage of life you’re in, whatever your current needs might be, it’s okay. It’s okay to be at a point where you wanna just go on dates or just wanna get laid. My advice today is just to keep your eyes on the prize, gentlemen. Remember to work towards what’ll really fulfill you in life, and not just what’ll fulfill you tonight. In my experience, that “what” is something deeper.