Women will unapologetically leave you or stop communication with you at any stage in a relationship. It could be in the first two seconds of meeting you, and it could be two years after being with her. Either way, it’ll likely leave you wondering just what the hell happened, and the information you’re looking for is incredibly difficult to find and to understand once you find it. Today i’m gonna provide some answers, and you’re not going to like them…
So again, before we go further, i’d love to reiterate what’s going to happen to you during the dating process, and this is if you’re doing everything correctly. Everything.
What’s going to happen is you’re going to meet a girl, and let’s say this time you meet her and everything is amazing! You meet, it’s perfect. You sleep together, it’s perfect. You text her sometime after you sleep together, and she doesn’t respond. You wait a few days, try again, and she doesn’t respond. You check your Facebook and realize she has blocked you. Then you start putting two and two together and you realize that for no reason ever does she ever want to see you again. She won’t text, she certainly won’t call, and you certainly will never know what happened. The end.
Or this might happen. You meet her, everything’s amazing. You sleep together, it’s perfect. It’s intimate, you’re staring in each other’s eyes, you come at the same time, it’s fucking magical. It’s so magical that you go and get smoothies together and continue to have magical sex for two months. Then she’s gone. Total radio silence. The end.
Now you’re left wondering what the fuck happened.
Well i’m here to tell you that i’ve had like 1296 versions of this happen to me (not joking), and since that’s more than you’ve had, today i’m going to guide you through the process of just what the fuck happened, how you should interpret it, and how you can (and should) move on through the process. Strap yourself in.
So first let’s talk about the “why.” As in, why the fuck did this happen. Great question. And if it did happen, it’s the question that you likely will not ever be able to figure it out. So let me list a few reasons she might ditch you without any explanation…
1. She decided she it didn’t feel “right.”
2. The wind blew.
Let me explain this a bit better for you. Have you heard of emotional permanence and emotional impermanence before? Men (you and I) have what we call emotional permanence. Emotional permanence means that when we experience an emotion, that emotion we experience from that specific stimuli will likely be very much the same for a very long time. Beer? Yeah, I like it and always will. Would you have sex with THAT girl, right there? Yes, and the answer would probably be the same if you asked me in 5 years.
Women, on the other hand, are very emotionally impermanent. I might smack a girl on the ass in the bar and she moans, then I literally might turn around, have a drink of my beer, then smack her again and she could smack me on the face for it. Her emotions can literally change second by second, and a huge “yes” can seemingly immediately turn into a huge “no fucking way.” Brutal.
I have clients call me all the time and ask about certain scenarios with women they have dated. I ask detailed questions about the relationship and we do kind of a forensic dating investigation into what could have happened using the details of what happened. Sometimes I can figure things out, and sometimes (even in my own life) there’s zero way to tell. So since you’re starting to accept the fact that you might never know what happened, let’s formulate a plan of action to combat this inconsistency in women.
The first thing we have to do to combat this type of female behavior is to understand and trust the woman’s “decision.” This is probably the toughest part of the process of losing a woman, because it takes an epic level of detachment from the outcome to do it. And we have to be emotionally strong to realize that regardless of how things were, she left us for a good reason.
You know it’s a weird thing being a professional with women. About 3 or 4 years ago I used to see a girl around Hollywood all the time, and I soon realized that she lived and worked close to the places I would frequent. We eventually met, and we got to a point where we starting having little mini makeout sessions once a week or so. This happened for a couple months and there really was nothing I could do to take it further with her… and trust me, I tried. I tried everything.
Then everything stopped. That was it.
I formulated a plan with a peer of mine to be able to sleep with her, and I ended up executing the plan perfectly and slept with her. I’m not going to go into specifics because that’s not the point of this post. So this was about a year after we had met, and wow was it amazing. Literally the best sex I’ve ever had, and with the most buildup beforehand.
And that was it. Again.
Some time passed, and of course I continued to see the girl from time to time, but it was always a “hi” and she was very short with me. More time passed, and I began to realize that this girl had a long term boyfriend.
I met the guy, and he was a dick. I felt like he hated me for no reason and thought he was cooler than me. I couldn’t imagine how she could be with this guy when I obviously offered so much more. I was way better than him, I thought. Some time passed and I began to become better and better friends with this guy, and soon I started to like him. We became good friends.
Then something weird happened. I was looking at the girl one day and wondering what it would be like to hookup again, and the thought just entered my head “Nah, he’s just the right dude for her. It’s not me.” I no longer felt the need to try and get the girl or do any angling for her or make any “moves” or formulate any elaborate plans to get her or get her alone or whatever. I simply didn’t feel needy.
“Wait,” I thought. “What if a lot of the girls I’ve seen just weren’t right for me or I wasn’t right for them? What if I was unnecessarily trying to force shit all of this time?” W.H.O.A.
Then, almost immediately, I just thought to myself…
“There really is a better girl out there for me. Probably many.”
Pause for a second for me and reread that sentence I just wrote. DO IT! Read it again. ^^^^^^^
I’m guessing that you’ve heard it a thousand times, and that you read right over it. I know I’ve done that many many times. This time though, after years and years of confusion and frustration, I believe it and acted upon my belief completely on my own. I detached from the reality that I didn’t believe it and was going to continue to try endlessly with every girl and instead I fully accepted the fact that I’m not right for every girl I meet. I 100% did not need this girl in any way, and I was almost happy for her in her situation. Grateful even. I was apart from it. It was like it was happening on tv and I was just watching.
Have you done this yet? I mean REALLY done it? I don’t think you can honestly say you have.
I’m talking about being independent. Not trying to act like you’re independent, I mean actually being independent. Independent from any outcome, whatever it may be. Independent from the feelings of inadequacy that sneak into my mind when I get rejected or blocked. Independent from blaming myself or endlessly questioning what happened and what’s wrong with me that this constantly happens to me. At some point in time we all have to stop blaming ourselves and our skill set (or lack thereof) and accept that not every girl is right for us, and that’s not a personal fault.
Here’s the cool part of all of this. About every year i’ve been out, there have been a couple or a few times that I lock eyes with a woman and it’s just waaaaay on. We hit it off immediately and for all intensive purposes it’s what most people would call love at first sight. And when you’re putting yourself out there in situations where you commonly meet and interact with new people, you really do get to have love at first sight a couple or a few times a year. This is the truth for me and it can be the truth for you too.
Remember though, that the world does what it does on it’s own. I’m a part of it, and sometimes I’m part of the story or situation in front of me. Sometimes it’s my love at first sight, and sometimes I’m not part of the story and I shouldn’t try and force it. Sometimes it’s better to let it do what it does without me. Sometimes it’s not about me.
It’s funny, for a long time my skillset with women developed to the point where I was a chameleon of sorts. If a student wanted me to hit on a certain type of girl, I would observe her for a couple seconds and make a judgement about what kind of behavior she would respond well to, then I would be that type of guy to her. Almost like magic, it worked and it worked and it worked… for her. I still do it a lot.
Over time I realized that just because I had the ability to make a girl like me, it certainly didn’t mean that her personality and character were perfect for me or that I would like her back. And keep in mind here, i’m not trying to come from a fucking “be yourself and it’ll all be cool” angle here. If your skillset sucks, work on your skillset.
What i’m talking about here is that when a girl starts meeting you, then ditches you, it’s simply not your right to get all butt-hurt about it. You’re not allowed to wine and bitch and moan and let it reflect negatively on your self-esteem. That’s like reasoning that because someone rear-ended your car at a stop light, you’re a bad driver. Yeah, you had a collision and you can try and figure out why it happened, but if it happened because the person behind you was masturbating and not looking at the road you’re probably never going to hear that part of the story.
So if a girl chooses not to see you anymore, it’s because she was masturbating. Got it??? lol.
Okay, so going back to our topic at hand, the goal of me saying all this shit was to remind you that yes, sometimes you can figure shit out and learn from it. Sometimes I can figure things our for you too and there will be some lessons to be learned. Other times you won’t know, and it shouldn’t be something that discourages you or makes you feel like shit. The right thing to do is to go get a workout in, get some good food in you, wear your best clothes out, smile fucking big, and try again. Put your best foot forward and be undamaged for the next girl you meet. This takes some simple reprogramming of your brain.
Here’s the process when you get left, without explanation of what happened. First, there will be a break in compliance or there will be some type of relationship decelerator. Maybe she doesn’t respond to a text she normally would or maybe she flakes on a date. When this happens, note it, wait a few days, and try again. This gives her the benefit of the doubt. She’s allowed to have a bad day.
When you try again, change up your method to ensure you’re not doing something that she just doesn’t respond well to. If you texted something, try calling instead. Or if you sent her a meme or a joke, try something more genuine. Change up your method, because when you change your method and you still don’t get compliance or you still feel her putting the brakes on, now you’ve got the beginnings of a pattern, and it’s time to take action.
Many guys fuck it up at this point. They continue to call or text or whatever. My recommendation is this. As early as you can identify a relationship decelerator or a break in compliance, take action to withdraw your attention. Stop all communication. Again, this is for a true break in compliance or a true relationship deceleration. If you don’t know what those are or you can’t accurately recognize them, call me or shoot me an email before you take drastic action. For those of you who do understand what these are, when you recognize one it’s time for immediate action.
Taking away my communication means I don’t text or call, and I don’t like any of her posts on FB or Instagram or basically anywhere. I also will avoid seeing her. For instance if she’s a bartender, guess who isn’t going to show up at her work for like a month or two? This guy.
There’s a super hot bartender I like in Hollywood, and I’ve been slow-playing it a long time with her. Finally we planned on hanging out and she said to FB her and we’d go out. I did, she agreed to a date, I asked her when she was free, and she didn’t respond. Fuck, I thought. A couple weeks later I happened to see her in the bar and we had a great conversation again. She apologized and said something came up, then I tried again. Same result, so I disappeared. I waited like a month or more and finally showed up again. This time we found out we go to the same gym and she said if I’m in the area I should FB message her and drop by her house. I was like “yeah, sounds cool.” You really think I’m doing that shit?!? FUCK NO!
Here’s what’s going to happen. I’m gonna peace out for all of the holidays back to the midwest and maybe drop by again sometime in the middle of December, when she’ll now know that I flaked on her. That’ll equal shit out a bit, and this time if she wants to ask me to do some crap like that i’m gonna be like “Nah, i’m not gonna do that.” Then she’ll try harder and I’ll make it rough on her before finally agreeing to something. And anytime I sense her about to flake or do something weird I’ll withdraw my attention again.
Will I get there with her? Who knows. Not the point. And it doesn’t have to be love at first sight either. Sometimes a women needs a slow burn over a long time period before she’s sold. Arguably, the slow burns are the ones that have the most long-lasting effect on a woman.
The best thing you can do when a girl starts to take away her compliance or she tries to decelerate is to calibrate your energy and attention in a way that keeps her having to wonder and keeps her not knowing when or how she’ll communicate with you again. Be illusive. When you do drop in, you’re a smooth glow of positive happy energy. You’re sly. You’re the guy she doesn’t quite know about yet. I like to think I have a superpower that nobody really knows I’ve got (cause I kinda do). Here’s a hint: It’s called patience.
So if you’ve done it right, you’ll get the cold shoulder and you’ll moderate your attention well when you recognize it coming. That’s the best way to combat having constant let-downs. From there, you wait. Some girls will come back to you in a month, some will never return, and some will take 3 or 6 or 18 months. I just had a girl recontact me yesterday because she has the “5 year itch” with her boyfriend and wants me to get a hotel room in Vegas with her in a couple weeks. Sorry lady. I would have dated you then but not now.
So there you have it, that’s the plan. The plan is to have great self talk when you get left out of nowhere. Remind yourself that it’s likely not your fault. She could have a guy she loved since she was 9 years old who just came back into her life or she could have gotten herpes this past weekend, who knows. It’s a car that rear-ended you for a reason you won’t know. Regardless, take action to withdraw attention so that you won’t appear needy in any way. This gives you the best possible shot at her coming to realize that “Shit. Maybe I fucked that one up. I wonder if I could still go out with him again???” That’s when you’ll get a text saying “hey how have you been???” or a Facebook message or something. From there show apprehension and make her work for it, and you’re golden. And if none of that happens and you never hear back, then sayonara.
Again, these situations suck and they aren’t easy to deal with for any of us, but with the right mindset when it happens and the ability to take the proper and calibrated action, we can ensure that we have the highest percentage of success with the emotional impermanence that causes women to act erratically.
Happy Friday Dudes.