Sorry guys, i’m not actually talking about humping a girl in this post. Womp womp. I know how you like your humping stories. Instead, today I wanted to talk a little about how and why many guys fail at many things in their life, including learning dating skills. If you’re interested in figuring out what it takes to truly be successful at learning dating skills (and really anything else that’s tough to learn), read on…
So i’m not the best guy at being a “fit” person in life. I’ve been known to drink and smoke and be in bars a lot, and i’ve never really been the type of guy to have tons of muscles or anything. Remember, I was a dork growing up. I couldn’t even make the team in high school. Any team.
About 4 years ago I decided to get a personal trainer. After all, I suck at getting in shape, and as many of you know, my philosophy when it comes to learning tough things is to find and expert on what you want to learn, then throw a pile of money at them and get the shit done. Like now.
So I get this trainer, and it instantly sucks balls. The first day I get my ass handed to me and I’m thinking to myself “You mean I gotta do this shit again, like tomorrow?” Fuck! The next day I absolutely dread going in, and i’m thinking up excuses in my head how I can avoid going, because I know it’ll fucking suck truck-fulls of bags full of dicks. I don’t wanna do it at all.
Instead, I go anyways. This pattern repeats for a long long time. I go to the trainer a couple days a week, and I really can’t afford to go more. I don’t go on my own. I have some financial struggle and then I can only budget for one session a week. I make like zero progress, and soon enough I just don’t buy more sessions and I come up with 7098098098098098 excuses as to why it’s not the right thing for me. The end result is that I get fat and lazy and continue with my old patterns. And I’ve wasted tons of money.
Why did this happen?
This happened because I never got over the hump!
So what’s the hump you say? Well the hump is the point in time at which i’m getting enough positive results that not wanting to do the activity has turned into wanting to continue the activity because i’ve changed from being in a negative feedback cycle into being in a positive feedback cycle.
Let me elaborate for a second.
Negative feedback cycle – I don’t feel like i’m making progress and the pain i’m experiencing from what i’m doing outweighs any results I might be getting (and am probably overlooking). My need to stop the pain is far greater than my drive to continue. I make excuses in my mind to justify quitting so that I don’t have to blame myself for failure, when the reality is that quitting actually does mean that I failed. Me, not anyone else. If I quit, i’m to blame.
Positive feedback cycle – I’m beginning to see more and more results from what i’m doing, and as a result i’m motivated to succeed more and do more because I finally believe internally that I really can do it. I believe I really could accomplish my goal, so I take continued action. This continued action makes me feel good and gets me more results, making me want to take even greater and more frequent action. I am a badass at life.
Do those two make sense? Okay.
So I define “The Hump” as getting through the negative feedback cycle. If we can do this, we can literally learn or accomplish anything in our lives.
The problem is that the hump is fucking hard to get over. Really hard.
The trick to getting over the hump is to first understand that it exists, then change your negative feedback cycle into a positive one. Instead of giving yourself reasons to quit, tell yourself “well I know that getting over the hump is going to suck big time, but if I put continued effort into it and I don’t psyche myself out of knowing that i’m making progress, then once I get over that hump shit will be awesome!” “Wow, this time I took action really sucked, but I’m going to feel great for putting in this effort because I know this is the most difficult part of the process. I’m on my way to getting over this and i’m strong enough to make it happen, regardless of how much that thing I did just sucked.”
So back to working out. This time around, I head back to my trainer and I tell him i’m game for whatever he’s got for me. I want the full treatment. We workout 4 days a week, talk about diet, and he gives me assignments for each day that I don’t train. I push him to push me as hard as i can. As of today, i’m two months into this and i’ve lost 10 pounds, gained a bunch of muscle, and everyone around me is telling me how good I look. Its been two weeks since i’ve seen him and i’m working out 5 days a week on my own!
I’m over the hump.
So how does this relate to dating? I’m hoping it’s obvious to you by now. The hump in learning dating is this: when you have the ability and the desire to go out on your own and work at your skillset, and you have a positive expectation for the actions you take, you’re over the hump. You’re in a positive feedback cycle because you want to go out and take action. It no longer feels laborious because you expect positive results from your actions and you’ve already seen some positive results.
Until you’re over the hump, you’re going to need help. I do too with any new skill i’m trying to learn or goal i’m trying to reach.
The task with any task is simple. Stick it through and put the effort in, taking MASSIVE action until you’ve gotten over the hump. From there it gets very easy.
There are two types of dating students, ones who can make their own adjustments to their game once they’ve gotten over the hump, and ones who can’t. There isn’t much you can do to change this, so my advice is to just realize which one you are and decide to take action accordingly. If you can make your adjustments on your own, then you might only need to check back in with you mentor from time to time when you’ve got a question or two. If you are the type to need continued help for adjustments after you’re over the hump, then check back in with your mentor a little more often or more frequently.
DON’T FUCKING QUIT BEFORE YOU GET OVER THE HUMP!
I see students do this all the time. Some go away for however long and return with the motivation they need to finally get over the hump (much like I did with my trainer), and some go away forever and jerk off 5 times a day to porn and stay unhealthy about their dating life. Thank god I don’t have to actually see that, but it definitely happens. Some people just don’t have it. And they might die without it. It’s truly a sad reality in life. Many people actually die without succeeding.
To be a student who gets over the hump, it’s important to have a solid and important goal that you’re shooting for. You have to be frustrated with your past lack of success and you have to WANT the result very badly, so take steps to understand and emphasize the importance of your goal. Focus and picture what your life will look like when you achieve that goal. Daydream about that shit and focus until that goal becomes big and fresh in your mind. Picture it!!! Picture the six pack abs or that hot girl you just walked past sliding her lips down your skin-pole. Want it. It should be in the front of your mind.