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Q & A on Flaking

Hey guys,  I thought for today’s blog post i’d share some transcription of the audio from one of the weekly Monday night theory sessions I teach in Hollywood.  This particular night we were talking about texting, flaking, and how to mirror varying levels of disinterest with the girl.  This conversation is great because many guys not only are very scared to say negative things to women, but also most men don’t really understand how to give calibrated negative energy to women.  Enjoy! 

Mike: I’ve got a girl whose flaked on me 3 times now, and…

Jake: How did she flake?

Mike: First time, we were gonna meet late on a weeknight for D2, like around 10:30, and she’s like “I’m tired, I have to work.”

Jake: Oh, so she texted you?

Mike: Yeah

Jake: Well that’s not necessarily a flake. A flake is when you show up and she doesn’t show up, and doesn’t call or communicate anything.

Mike: Okay, so she cancelled and but was like very apologetic and wanted to reschedule. And I said okay let’s reschedule.

Jake: So SHE said let’s reschedule.

Mike: Yes

Jake: Okay, that’s a good sign.

Mike: That was time number one. The 2nd time we had agreed to meet up again and then she locked herself out of her apartment and couldn’t get her clothes or anything until her roommate came back.

Jake: So that’s what she said.

Mike: Yes. She also said “I’m really sorry, can we please reschedule for this other day.”

Jake: Did you give her shit for that?

Mike: Oh, yeah.

Jake: What’d you say?

Mike: I subtracted cool points from her.

Jake: Ugh, that’s never effective. I’ve had this one student who was into “cool points”, I’d puke every time I heard him say it.

Mike: I’m reading her text, she texted “Do I lose points for this”, she prompted it first, and I said “Yeah, you lose points for that.”

Jake: Okay, that’s different.

Mike: I’m trying not to make her feel too shitty about it because I don’t want her to feel super guiltily because then she’d… but I assume if she feels really shitty she’ll be like “Oh, I don’t want to see this guy because I was a jerk to him.”

Jake: Yes, but at the same time you need to let her know that this is unacceptable. So if she’s like “can we reschedule again…” I’d make her do a little work there.

Mike: Yeah, so she said “Can we reschedule again” and I said “okay I’m a little busy but we can meet for a drink on Sunday at 7pm”. Then she texted me at 3pm that afternoon and said “I’m getting drunk with my friends, you can meet us at the bar we’re at”.

Jake: Dead air. Nothing. I wouldn’t call, I wouldn’t text, I wouldn’t call her back that day for any reason at all. I would dead air it until she supplicated, and even if she continued to text you a bunch that day like “I’m so sorry blah blah blah” and she texted you ten times, I would still just completely dead air that entire day and wait three days like nothing happened, and then I would text her “Oh, hey, I must have missed your text the other day”, some shit like that, some obvious lie, that’s what I would do. So what happened, what’d you do?

Mike: I ignored it and said “Thanks but I’m working now, pace yourself, and I’ll see you…”

Jake: Yeah you’re too nice. She flakes on you and you’re like “That’s okay, we’ll do it again” you’re being too nice about it. The chick is “Hey it’s not gonna work again today, I’m so sorry, can we meet this day?” and I’d say “No”. Period. I would make her feel bad about it, she needs to feel a fear of loss. I’d be a little more stern about it.

Mike: The very last text I sent, she kept saying “Come to this bar, come here” and I finally just said “I can’t”.

Jake: Don’t say “I can’t”. I would just dead air that type of thing. Any time a girl wants you come to a bar and meet up with her friends who are already there drinking I would just dead air it. I would not even respond. And the next day, or two days later, I’d say “Oh, hey, I must have missed your text the other day.”  You’re just too busy to even text her back. How do you think that makes a girl feel when you just dead air her? She’s thinking “Ooh, he didn’t like that, I better try something else if I want to hang out with him”. She’d be working to do something else. You need to be a little more stern. The 1st time she misses I’d say, what did she say on her text the 1st time she missed?

Mike: She said “Don’t completely hate me but the thought of going out at ten on a weekday is brutal any chance you’d be up for a rescheduling during normal human hours, believe me I’d be no fun at all tonight”

Jake: “I hate you.” Period. Wait for her response. See what I’m saying? You’re going so far, she’s like “don’t hate me”, and you say “I hate you”. And that’s pretty funny, but now she’s gotta work some more. You got it?

Mike: Yeah, take it to the extreme. So it’s not like I’m genuinely angry, the anger is kind of absurd.

Jake: And then she’ll say “No, really, I really want to hang out with you” and I’d say “What day do you want to hang out” and she says “Friday” and I say “What time?” and she says “8:00” and then I say “Nope” and she says “Really?” or something like that, and I’ll say “No, Friday works”. So do you see how I made her work a little bit more for it in the process?”

Mike: Yeah, I like it.

Jake: That’s what we’re gonna do. So the 2nd time she flakes, what’d she say?

Mike: The 2nd time she said “You probably think I’m lying but it looks like I locked myself out of the house and my roommate doesn’t get home until 10pm”.

Jake: You say “I do think you’re lying”. Right, you get it? This is in the case where she’s supplicating to you. Do you guys notice that this is a girl who really does want to go out with him because she says “you’re gonna think I’m lying blah blah blah”, if she didn’t want to go out with him she wouldn’t want to respond, she would just flake. What is happening right now is something is more important than him. Does she really have this thing going on? Maybe, maybe not, but in this case she is “you’re gonna think I’m lying but blah blah blah”.

Mike: I feel like the first two excuses were valid, but on the 3rd time she says like “Oh, I just went out with my friends and got drunk instead of hanging out with you tonight” so I was genuinely upset.

Jake: She said “You’re gonna think I’m lying” and what else?

Ray: “but I’ve locked myself out of my house and my roommate isn’t getting home until 10pm so on that note are you still available on Wednesday?”.

Jake: Why would she know you are available on Wednesday?

Mike: Because we talked about either meeting on a Monday or a Wednesday, I gave her two choices.

Jake: I would say “What time were you thinking” and she would say like “9ish” and I would say “Okay cool let’s just switch it” and it would be no big deal on the 2nd time. That’s what I’d do there. Then the 3rd time that she switches I’d be like, I would just dead air her completely. So do you understand how the punishment mirrors the offense?

Mike: Explain a little bit more.

Jake: The severity of the 3rd time it happened caused you to take the most severe attitude you can, which is abandoning her.

Mike: So the 1st time she had kind of a bullshit excuse,  so I gave her…

Jake: some bullshit

Mike:  The 2nd time it was a legitimate excuse so..

Jake: I was like “no big deal” because that’s a logistical issue, something bad happened, we’re mirroring the level of severity of what happened.

Mike: The 3rd time was like…

Jake: she was blowing you off and I just wouldn’t even respond. That’s how you should look at it. That’s the filter I’m putting this through, I’m thinking to myself “Okay, what is her situation? Is it valid or not? Is this something I like or I don’t like?” If I really don’t like it, I’m just gonna be like “fuck you”, I’m not going to respond at all because, fuck that. But if it’s like a valid concern, and she’s really supplicating, and she’s like “hey I’m gonna think you’re lying but I had this terrible thing happen…” then I’m like “cool, no worries, let’s just do it Wednesday at 8”, you know? And then the 1st one, what was her 1st excuse?

Mike: Her 1st excuse was that she was tired.

Jake: Oh, yeah, she’s like “Don’t hate me but I’m tired” and I’d say “I hate you”, the reason I make it light on the first one is because it’s the first one, you gotta give the girl the benefit of the doubt or you’re a terrible person. If you don’t have some flexibility and it’s the firstt time something like that happens then you’re just an asshole. You have to have some flexibility. The 2nd time she had some thing happen, so you’re like “okay, cool, no worries, you had some thing happen, let’s hang out Wednesday, no big deal.” Then the 3rd time she’s like “I’m getting drunk”, that doesn’t even deserve a response. And then she’s gonna have to really work hard if she’s gonna pull herself out of that one because any self-respecting guy would be just like “fuck you”.

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The End.  Hope you enjoyed reading.

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