I wrote a bit in April about Insecurity and I would like to touch again on insecurity and specifically how it relates to experience level. Now when I was an average frustrated guy, boy was I ever insecure. I’d worry all the time about losing any girl I met, even if I was just orbiting! My motivating force? Fear. All I could seem to think about was losing her to another guy. I’d visualize her getting gorilla-fucked by some other random herculean man and it tore me apart. Obviously it was happening and obviously she had the most screaming orgasm possible. If you’ve seen the movie High Fidelity with John Cusack there’s a great illustration of this type of thinking. How can we change this thinking around?
Fast-forward with me 3+ years completely out of my AFC years (there were many of them) to present day. After breaking up with a girl for a month and getting back together, she asks me how many people I slept with while we were broken up. It stuns me. I have a flash of fear + retardation, and I feel an urgency to answer. “Uhh, none. Why?”
WTF? Why am I saying this? Later on I dig through my mind a bit and I realize I should’ve said the truth that I had dated around a bit, but in the moment I had a bit of insecurity. I had instinctive (not thought out) fear of losing this girl and my only objective in that moment was to say the safest answer I could. Even after all my training and teaching i’ve still got an instincive tendency towards being a chump instead of taking a deep breath and letting my experience and developed minset override the urgency of the moment. The instinctive fear I have is that if she knows I slept with someone (or more than one person), she could get mad and take away sex from my life, right? Obviously this is not logic at all, it’s blind instinct. In reality she’s not going to leave me because I slept with someone else, instead it’s going to be attractive to her that i’m a guy who is wanted by other women. It won’t force her to go away.
She tells me she slept with two ex-boyfriends, and that she told them specifically she wanted sex and nothing more. I realize later that her response is has been highly tailored to my insecurity. Note the subcommunication:
“I slept with two ex-boyfriends” = I’m not a slut sleeping around with random new people. Also I feel she’s trying to communicate that she’s been “safe” and there’s nothing to worry about in the disease department.
“I told them I wanted sex and nothing more” = I don’t have feelings for them like I do for you.
The overall idea she’s communicating is that she’s still emotionally into me and hasn’t done anything to emotionally cheat even though she’s been away. This is intended to satisfy the insecurities I have likely demonstrated.
Later on that day a battle ensued in my mind while I thought about what had happened and how she had slept with two other guys. The battle was fought between my instinctive insecurity and my experience. I decided to dive into my thoughts and be honest about them with myself. When I did a strange thing happened to me. My insecure thoughts were overridden by my experiences in real life and the beliefs i’ve adopted as a result of my experience. Let me give you a couple examples.
The first thing I thought about was other dudes dicks in my girl. My reality was that I probably wasnt top notch in the sack. At best I was okay and extremely unaware of women’s true emotions and how those play into sex. Do this with me for a second if you will. Think about a girl you’ve really liked in your past, a one-itis perhaps. Remember the way you felt (or still feel) about her. Now think about her getting DP’d or think about some dude gorilla fucking her as she moans in pleasure, having the greatest orgasm ever. Doesn’t feel good, does it?
Years ago, this very thought would almost cause me to cry. It was very real to me. However, when I go down this rabbit hole now I can’t possibly allow myself to believe it. Instead, my mind honestly and truthfully says “Nah, we have great sex all the time. I make her orgasm 90% of the times we have sex, and she can’t possibly be emotionally into anyone as much as me. There’s just no way it could be better with that other guy. She’s probably really hurt emotionally, and after sex with him she likely just thinks about me and wants to cry.” I guess this isn’t as big a deal as I always thought it was.
The second thing I thought about was what if those dudes were better than me and I lose the girl because they’re better. They probably make more money, drive a nice clean car, and workout all the time. Basically whatever I lack and am insecure about, that dude is the champion of the world at. I think many of you guys reading have thought this just as I have.
When I thought about this this time though, I couldn’t believe that either. Instead I thought to myself “Nah, there’s no way this dude could possibly be better than me” then in my mind I went through a list of topics that i’ve worked on extensively. “I’m in great shape physically, I’m an awesome guy all around, i’m extremely mentally healthy, i’m very much an alpha male, and I don’t care if some guy makes more than me cause he likely uses his money to try and get chicks and I know how much that turns girls off. Really there’s no way the dude could be a healthier, more balanced, more abundant guy than me…. AND, if he was, then have fun with her buddy, cause she’s a handful to say the least. I’ll just go get another one.