On my phone I keep a notepad file where I write out any catch or quippy phrases I hear or come up with so that I can reread them from time to time and implement them into conversation to see if they’ll be productive for me. Today I thought i’d write out some of the ones in my phone to share them with you guys. These aren’t fully tested, I just wanted to give you an idea of how i’ll come up with new material. I’ll hear something like the phrases below and start saying them in-field and after a bit of massaging, some of them end up as routines and some i’ll just throw away. Feel free to comment any of your own if you want to. Hope you like’em!
1. I hate you I hate you I hate you (said rapidly)
2. Listen, just because I tuck my t-shirt into my boxers….
3. I haven’t seen you work this hard since you tried to get Michelle Kindleson to go out with you in the 5th grade
4. There’s a certain prostitute in all of us (my mom told me this one, haha)
5. Great, so now you’re like a word genius and everything I say you twist around.
6. Are you guys here for the sausage festival? You guys are turning this into more of a fish market.
7. Are you canadian? Oh, you look Canadian. (this is an opener we’ve been using)
8. Hey, my drink tastes kinda funny I think there might be a Roofie in it. Here, try it.
9. You look like an Elphin Princess
10. Ugh! You’re sooo in my way right now.
11. Hey look (point to the ground)… you dropped your smile, it’s right there on the ground.
12. You think i’m hitting on you, you wish! I’m outta your league. I wouldn’t eat your pussy if it was covered in vanilla pudding.
13. Are you the girl who like wore the scoliosis backbrace till you were like 20?
14. What would you do if you were dating a guy like a couple weeks and you found out he had a hotmail account? Well what if he had a myspace too and he kept trying to get you to like signup and make a new profile. If I were dating a girl like that… dumped immediately. Cause I would already know that the myspace thing is coming next, and I just can’t deal with that.
15. This is classic first tri-mester behavior. Are you pregnant?
16. Why don’t you go find a kitchen and bake me some pie?
17. (this routine is a version of secret sex toys routine that I came up with this past chicago workshop. Been meaning to test it out more). This looks like one of those Pickle dildos. Like the Super-Dill 5000 or something. Gross! You are such a pervert! Hey actually that’s a good idea I think i’m gonna start a company with you guys and we can all make pickle dildos, but not just any pickles, they have to be the huge ones that are all bumpy and look like we got’em out of a huge glass jar at like my Grandpa’s bar or something for a dollar. Okay what are your jobs going to be? You look pretty innocent so I think i’m gonna have you be our tip designer. I’ll give you a knife and a jar of Grandpa’s big pickles and you can cut’em up and shape the tip just the way you like it. You on the other hand, you look all nice but inside there definitely a little dirty girl. I think i’m gonna make you my pickle tester. You get a private room to “hang out” in and you can test the pickles once she’s finished designing the tips and you can tell her which ones feel the best. (only field tested a couple times so far, but both went crazy well).
18. (point to something nasty on the street like an old hamburger or a pile of puke or something). That’s what your vagina looks like.
19. Anal baby! Anal baby! (When I do this one i’ll try to stick my finger up the girl’s butt. It’s along the lines of a aggro-type stack, super fun/teasy. Use at your own risk).
20. I used to have a cat once. It was a good cat. It had like a stripe on it.
21. (to a girl with a pony tail) (lifting up her pony tail). What’s under a pony’s tail? (then pushing your finger under it) His butthole!
There you have it. Direct from my phone to you, this is stuff that i’ll hear and then test out to see if I like it and if it’s working well. Often i’ll work on these things when i’m in state and warmed up, and sometimes when i’m in state stuff like this will just come out of nowhere in a set. If you’ve got a moment like that, be sure to write it down immediately and try it again right away in the next few sets to see if it’s going to be a consistent winner for you. This type of stuff goes a long way to having a comprehensive repetiore. Good luck!