Every man should know how to effectively set boundries in a relationship. For those who aren’t so clear about what a boundry is, it’s something that you will or won’t do in a relationship, or behaviors you will or won’t accept from a woman you’re in a relationship with.
Boundries are extremely important in relationships because the way we set boundries communicates the behaviors that we expect or don’t expect to see, and the way we maintain those boundries determines amount of power and control that we will allow the woman to have in the relationship. Obviously we set boundries with even those we’re not in a relationship with as well, but for this article i’m mainly going to focus on how to set and maintain boundries in a sexual relationship.
So how do we set up a boundry?
Well if the behavior is something we want the woman to engage in then we simply communicate our need and if the behavior is something we do not want her to engage in then we communicate that we will not accept it happening. If the boundry is about our behavior then we simply tell the woman that yes, we will do that, or no, we will not do that. The above sounds simple, but in practice can be VERY VERY difficult.
The way we maintain boundries is very simple as well. When a situation arises where the boundry is challenged, we re-communicate what the boundry is and that we’re going to adhere to it. In other words, we don’t waver on it or change it in any way. We don’t allow it to slide “Just one time” and we don’t loosen it because of some logic we receive or some emotion that we feel. This is important to understand and practice, because women are very adept at getting men to compromise on their boundries and by doing so gain power in a relationship.
The consequences of compromising on our boundries are severe. For starters, we lose power and respect in our relationship, and from there the consequences get worse. Women lose attraction to the man they’re with as the man becomes more and more submissive in their relationship, and often the marriage ends up in divorce. Worse yet, before the marriage ends in divorce, the lost attraction results in cheating and after the marriage the divorce ends up in half your shit gone and a big chunk of your manhood and self- respect gone too. I think it’s safe to say that as men we should take responsibility for this not happening.
So if boundries can be maintained simply then why aren’t they? The reason many men aren’t able to set and maintain boundries is fear of conflict, fear of loss, scarcity mentality, and an inability to deal with a woman being “upset” with them. Many of these fears and behaviors are closely related to nice-guy behaviors like those discussed in Dr. Robert Glovers book “No More Mr. Nice Guy,” so if you feel like setting and maintaining boundries is a difficult task then you might pickup that book and give it a thorough read.
Lets go into the reasons men have trouble in a bit more detail.
The first reason men aren’t able to set and maintain boundries is fear of conflict. When you set a boundry, there will often be a discussion as a result, and that discussion can be difficult. The woman will want one thing and you will want another. Men are afraid of dealing with this conflict because women often get mad or emotional in these situations and men aren’t used to dealing with those emotions.
Men also don’t like to set and maintain boundries because they fear that the conflicts that result might lead to losing the women they worked so hard to get. Men would rather quell the situation and gain peace (while losing a bit of power and not allowing themselves to acknowledge it) than stick to their guns and deal with the consequences.
This is where scarcity mentality kicks in. Men question their ability to get another woman if they lose the one they’ve got, and in doing so destroy their ability to maintain control of their realtionship. This is without the woman ever doing anything!
All these add up to a vicious cocktail of submissive tendency that will lead to relationship doom faster than you can say “Is something wrong baby?”
So how can we give ourselves the edge and keep from this happening, and if we’re in a relationship and have lost ground already, how can we re-establish lost boundries and regain power/dominance? To do this we’ve got to educate/question ourselves (great job! you’re doing this now), establish abundance mentality to conquer fear of loss, then grow comfortable dealing with conflict and discomfort. This can be a tall order for most.
Let’s start with abundance mentality. Do you know beyond the shadow of a doubt that you can get another girl if you lose the one you’ve got? Can you get one just as good or better? If the answer to either of those is no, then in my opinion you should not be in a marriage or serious relationship where you’re thinking about marriage.
Ask yourself “If I had TONS of options with women would I accept this behavior? If the answer is no, then you should show yourself some abundance before you get married or have a serious relationship. Prove to yourself that you’re attractive and desireable to women, then when you know for sure that you are then it’s time to start thinking about settling down with one if that’s your desire.
The fact is that there are an abundance of very beautiful women in this world, all accessible to the men who choose to spend the necessary amount of time and attention to make themselves into quality men. If you don’t feel you can handle this, you can at the very least handle finding those who can help you. I’d recommend a simple trip to Los Angeles to see me.
Another way we can gear ourselves for successful boundry setting is to grow comfortable with conflict and emotional confrontations from women. Often when men are confronted with emotions from women like anger, it’s easy to want to give in so that the women’s not mad anymore and a peaceful state is regained. I challange you to not respond emotionally to these types of “outbursts.” Instead when met with unreasonable emotions, first do a quick mental check to see if you’re wrong. If you are, admit it and change. If not, try simply remaining calm, labeling the emotion, then standing your ground (Cesar Milan calls this being calm and assertive).
It’ll sound like this: “I’m sorry you’re feeling angry about this, but i’m not going to do that” or “I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, but i’m just not going to accept this type of behavior in our relationship.” This manner of recognition and emotional unaffectedness portrays sympathy and sensibility without even a hint that you will give in. When needed, withdraw your time and attention from the girl if she continues to meet you with negative energy, even to the point of leaving her.
If you’re in a relationship and you have let your boundry slide a bit, then when you try and regain the boundry it will be more difficult then when you set it in the first place. In this case, expect more of a conflict than normal, but stand firm and remember that the conflict is necessary for peace in the relationship. Wade your way through the harshness and emotions in the moment and you can be more happy in the end.
Let me give you an example of one of the most severe cases I have faced to date and how I successfully dealt with it. I had been dating a girl on and off for about a year when she started to change her behavior to that of withdrawing sex. On one occasion she brought a friend over to hang out with a friend and I, and when both couples split into rooms to have sex, her and I got naked and literally just before insertion she jumped up, immediately put her clothes on, ran into the other room where the other couple was naked, split them up and left the house with the girl to “save her.” The next time we hung out she made me push through LMR for over an hour (remember we’d been having sex for a year), then the next time we hung out she again went through foreplay until just before insertion then stopped completely, giving me no reason.
Tough situation right? Should I let this happen? If you were in this situation how would you deal with it? PLEASE, stop right now and put yourself in my shoes before reading on.
Whats going on in this situation is a play for power on the part of this woman. She has learned my patterns for a year and come to the realization that she might be able to make a ploy for power via withdrawl of sex. I know that if I let this happen, it will put my first foot out on a VERY slippery slope towards lack of sex and certain relationship doom. The action I took was to kick the girl out. I simply told her “Well if you’re not going to have sex with me then you’ve gotta go.” I didn’t even see her out of the building.
At this point this is the most serious a power play gets, so I meet it with the most serious action i’ve got. I withdraw all attention from her until she becomes submissive to me. Again I cannot stress this enough. I withdraw ALL attention from her until she becomes submissive again. When she called me the next day, I had my friend answer the phone in a gay voice, telling her “He’s mine now you bitch” and later “He’s mine now you whore.”
The next day she called me again and I did not answer. She left a verbally abusive message. She texted more of the same, again no response from me. The day after the next, she called again, this time leaving another negative voicemail in which it seemed to dawn on her that she actually was getting dumped (keep in mind this girl is stunningly hot with an amazing body). After realizing during the voicemail that she was dumped, she told me “I hope you’re having a horrible day, I can’t understand why you’re being so stupid, and …. FUCK YOU!” Of course I still did not respond.
Now hold on here! Many of you are saying “WTF? Is this guy stupid, he’s losing her! OMG! What an idiot! Have your friend answer in a gay voice and fuck with her, then don’t even try to get back with her when she calls tons! Stupid!!!” Sorry guys this just isn’t the case. Open your mind a second. This isn’t an emotional decision, it’s a decision about what’s the right move and what’s the wrong move. We already know the right move, so there is no question in our minds.
This is a case where the girl is making a very direct power play in a very harsh way using her biggest guns, so I respond with my big guns. I use confusion and withdrawl of attention until she becomes submissive, even going as far as to lose the entire relationship. Remember, the power we maintain through our boundries lies in the ability of the woman to believe that we WILL give them up and that we WILL find someone else if they won’t allow us to take a dominant role in the relationship (notice that I did NOT use the word CAN instead of WILL in this sentance!)
This means sticking to this until relationship death, if that will be the case. In this case, the girl continued to respond to me emotionally and negatively to try and elicit a response from me. If I do respond to her negativity and emotional outbursts, I act in an emotionally affected way and I lose power.
So let me tell you what happened. So I kick the girl out, jerk off, and she calls the next day and my friend does the gay voice. She calls the next day and like a day later, both days leaving harsh voicemails. After this, radio silence for 5 weeks until I get a text from her:
“Hi” I respond.
Her: “I thought you would call me back by now, but I guess you’re not going to huh?”
Me: “No, I wasn’t”
Her: “Well Why?
Me: “Well, what you did was inexcuseable. You fucked up the whole situation with my friend, not to mention not having sex with me, then you made it rough on me to have sex with you the time after, then the last time we hung out you got me all revved up and then just stopped. That’s pretty fucked up, and if you want to be with me that’s not acceptable behavior. I’m just not going to do that.”
Her: “Oh, so you just want me for sex, like that’s all i’m for to you?”
Me: “Of course not, gimme a fucking break, really?”
Her: “Well I just didn’t want to have sex with you that night, I thought we’d hang out and just do the friends thing.”
Me: “Are you serious? Friends? I think we’re past that, we’ve been having sex for like over a year now.”
Her: “Well I just didn’t want to have sex with you that night.”
Me: “Well if that’s the truth then that’s fine, not a big deal at all. I can handle you not wanting to have sex from time to time, just communicate that with me and don’t get me all worked up then fucking stop for no reason. That’s just fucked up, i’m not dealing with that any more for any reason. Got it?” (Notice the reasonability and reinstatement of the boundry).
Her: (with implicit acceptance of the boundry): “Well the other night when I called you I was drunk when I was mean on the voicemail so are you okay now, are we friends again?”
Me: ha…ha. I have great friends I don’t need anymore.
Her: Well fine okay, does this mean we’re okay?”
Me: Yeah as long as there’s no more of this then that’s fine.
Her: Well good. I’m glad that’s over. Well I really want to see you soon when can we hang out?
Me: Well like Thursday night works for me.
Her: No i’m busy that night. What about Saturday?
Me: Nah that doesn’t work either, i’m busy.
Her: What do you have another date that night?
Me: Well since you asked yes I do.
Her: Really you do? What about me?
Me: Well I told you what you did was fucked up, and to me that’s grounds for dismissal, so in the last month i’ve been out some. I certainly wasn’t going to wait around for you.
Her: Well what’s she like?
Me: You really want to know?
Me: Well she’s about a 6 foot tall black chick with tits bigger than yours.
Her: Ooooh, you found a new love huh, well when are we going to hang out then?
Me: Well like I said Thursday works, or I guess it would have to be like Monday or Tuesday (me explaining my real logistics. Notice when i’m busy I don’t give a reason, I just say “I’ve got plans that night.”)
Her: Well okay that sounds good. I’ll call you tomorrow sweety!
Me: Okay sounds good. Later.
So notice what happened here. I remained steadfast in maintaining my boundry, I setup a new one that I wasn’t going to accept her getting me horny and denying sex, I dealt with a couple tests to reaffirm my dominance, and we’re off to the races. She asked about my plans and I respond by letting her know that when she’s gone I WILL move on without remorse. Now she’s in a place where she knows what my requirements are, she knows that i’m dominant, and she knows what the consequences are if she breaks the boundries I setup for her. She also knows that i’ve got enough abundance to move on and that now she’s got some work cut out for her. Guess what? She’s happy this way.
Since this outburst, my phone is piling up with nude photos of this girl pleasuring herself for me to look at, along with far more texts saying what a great guy I am and sweety and honey and all that shit. And of course i’m not mentioning the sex. Talk about an immediate porno blow job, this girl was on her knees in SECONDS after getting to my place to see me last week, followed by intense sex and a great backrub after my nap. Ahhhh….
The overwhelming lesson here is that women don’t get upset when we establish and maintain our boundries, they’d just prefer for us to hack through the communication part and not be wishy-washy about cause they like when they know what their role is and how to meet our needs. However, in our incredible ability to fuck ourselves out of pussy, we’ve managed to create behavior that is lazy and allows girls to run over us when it’s the absolute wrong time for it. Let me assure you that the very second you start to set up and maintain boundries correctly you will be met with positive results from women, even if your first result is losing the one you’re with because you haven’t maintained boundries in the past. Women are happier knowing that they’re with a “real” man, they’ll feel more secure with you, they’ll maintain their attraction towards you, and they’ll actually meet your needs the way you’d like them to!